An editor told me that she thought the celebrity slide-show intro I wrote the other day (below) was probably above readers’ heads. She “got” it, though, and laughed out loud, as the saying goes. I disagreed with her. I don’t generally overestimate people’s intelligence, but what’s not to get? Besides, no one reads these intros, so who cares? Certainly, no reader commented on it, yay or nay.
Celebrities are the most fascinating people on Earth. You can’t argue with that because it’s what philosophers call a tautology. Look at it as a math equation. Fascinating = Celebrity. Celebrity = Fascinating. If we remember our algebra, and eliminate both sides of the equation, we’re left with nothing but an equals sign, ergo: Tautology.
Socrates once said that celebrities are the most fascinating people on Earth because they do the whackiest things. You can look it up. He was absolutely right, of course, but they made him drink hemlock anyway.
Click here to see the 10 best celebrity stories of the week
Bertand Russell, on the other hand, wrote a philosophical tract called “Why I Am Not a Celebrityhound.” It got him into a lot of trouble, but no one made him drink hemlock. He lived into his 90s if you can believe Wikipedia. He was also against nuclear war.
General Ullyses S. Grant had a philosophical bent, especially when he was drinking, and veritably pined for celebrity news. Stuff about Lillie Langtry and Jenny Lind, things like that. Once Lind sent a tweet that got all up in the grill of Robert E. Lee and she put Lee’s hash tag on it, so Lee must have seen it. Grant thought that was so funny he bust a gut.
Second plug: Click here to see the 10 best celebrity stories of the week
Rene Descartes was sitting around a bar one day and just blurted out “I think, therefore I am,” except in Latin. The other philosophers sitting around the bar just looked at him and said, “Yeah, whatever, man,” but Descartes had a point that changed the world. The other philosophers were just too drunk to know it.
Which brings us to our point. Celebrities are fascinating in Latin. Especially if you’re a drinking philosopher, but always and for everyone really. That’s why we do what we do. We’re philosophical about it. “We write, therefore celebrities.”
Last chance: Click here to see the 10 best celebrity stories of the week
classical life 
She’s right, in that it’s hysterical. You’re wrong, we do read the intro!
You’re biased.
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
If you’re not sure what that means . . . Si Ego Certiorem Faciam, Mihi Tu Delendus Eris
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
Verum. Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere
Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni… sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
I get a kick out of your doing the celebrity column — and laughing with you and not at you — knowing just how much you dislike writing about “People magazine” type topics, and the sly sarcasm you use to express that.
Incidentally, the problem with people like Paula Deen isn’t so much they allow their recipes to contain too much fat, but that they allow them to contain too much sugar. In terms of sugar/carbohydrates fostering not just obesity but also the onset of diabetes, researchers are starting to finally see just how harmful excessive sugar is to the body.
The inability of the health and food industry to figure that out is illustrated by all the products that — even today — still proclaim “low fat!” or “non-fat!” By contrast, notice how few or almost no products ever blare “low sugar!” or “non-sugar!,” with the latter NOT referring to food that lacks sugar because it instead has nasty forms of fake sugar like Sucralose (which often trigger headaches in me). Or the belief that natural fruit juices, with all their sugar, are necessarily so much better than sodas or fruit punches.
I’m glad SOMEONE gets a kick out of my doing the celebrity column. I sure don’t.
Yes, I knew that about Deen and fat and sugar, etc. Was just having some fun with it. Though certainly obesity contributes to diabetes, so it’s not all about just sugar.
Hey Tim,
That 10 best celebrity stories column was very amusing. Astringent comments hit me like the written equivalent of a martini.
Thanks, Sean. Some have suggested that I should drink a martini while writing them, but I do them sober. So far, at least.