An editor told me that she thought the celebrity slide-show intro I wrote the other day (below) was probably above readers’ heads. She “got” it, though, and laughed out loud, as the saying goes. I disagreed with her. I don’t generally overestimate people’s intelligence, but what’s not to get? Besides, no one reads these intros, so who cares? Certainly, no reader commented on it, yay or nay.

Celebrities are the most fascinating people on Earth. You can’t argue with that because it’s what philosophers call a tautology. Look at it as a math equation. Fascinating = Celebrity. Celebrity = Fascinating. If we remember our algebra, and eliminate both sides of the equation, we’re left with nothing but an equals sign, ergo: Tautology.

Socrates once said that celebrities are the most fascinating people on Earth because they do the whackiest things. You can look it up. He was absolutely right, of course, but they made him drink hemlock anyway.

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Bertand Russell, on the other hand, wrote a philosophical tract called “Why I Am Not a Celebrityhound.” It got him into a lot of trouble, but no one made him drink hemlock. He lived into his 90s if you can believe Wikipedia. He was also against nuclear war.

General Ullyses S. Grant had a philosophical bent, especially when he was drinking, and veritably pined for celebrity news. Stuff about Lillie Langtry and Jenny Lind, things like that. Once Lind sent a tweet that got all up in the grill of Robert E. Lee and she put Lee’s hash tag on it, so Lee must have seen it. Grant thought that was so funny he bust a gut.

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Rene Descartes was sitting around a bar one day and just blurted out “I think, therefore I am,” except in Latin. The other philosophers sitting around the bar just looked at him and said, “Yeah, whatever, man,” but Descartes had a point that changed the world. The other philosophers were just too drunk to know it.

Which brings us to our point. Celebrities are fascinating in Latin. Especially if you’re a drinking philosopher, but always and for everyone really. That’s why we do what we do. We’re philosophical about it. “We write, therefore celebrities.”

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