[From the archive. First posted on Feb. 18, 2010 on my blog at the Register.]

The following list is offered as a public service.

10. Don’t clap until Kathleen Battle commands you, by royal decree, to clap.

9. Buy two tickets for $250 each to the recital. Leave them in the back pocket of your jeans. Launder according to instructions.

8. You’re on your way to the concert when you realize that you left the back burner on, the one that smokes all the time. You turn around and go home and find your teenager having a wild party in your absence. Rather than get mad, you join him.

7. Wait until you hear “O mio babbino caro.”

6. Go to True Value Hardware. Buy a packet of 5-inch nails. Insert nails between each finger, with the sharp points facing the opposite palm. Attend recital as usual.

5. One word: Handcuffs!

4. Clap only when the “Applause” sign is lit up.

3. Clap only when Battle is singing.

2. Bring your cell phone to the concert. As the concert begins, call your health-care provider with a question about your coverage. Listen to your phone-tree options, press the one you want. Wait.

1. Order the chicken salad and hold the toast — between your knees!