I happened upon Los Angeles Opera’s re-designed website the other day and immediately noticed a bold, new marketing initiative designed, no doubt, to bring in the novice listener, the kind that is frightened of opera, or otherwise unsure of the art form. “Lose Yourself In Opera” the site encourages, and then offers some helpful hints on how you might go about doing that.

For instance, you might buy a ticket to something called Eugene Onegin. “What that?” you say. “From the composer of Swan Lake!” LA Opera answers. (Gosh, is Natalie Portman in it? She’s hot.)

Or how does Romeo et Juliette strike your fancy? Too French? Unsure? It’s “The World’s Most Famous Love Story,” LA Opera explains and then as it dawns on you that it’s that Romeo and Juliet you click on the icon and buy a ticket. Simple.

Getting into the spirit, I offer the following, free of charge, to the marketers at LA Opera.

Wozzeck — Pronounced Vots-eck, more or less!

Die Walküre — From the composer of “What’s Opera, Doc?” only longer!

Götterdämmerung — The fat lady sings at the end!

Tristan und Isolde — The fat lady sings at the end!

The Turn of the Screw — Sounds like porn, and it kind of is!

Die Soldaten — From the composer of Photoptosis!

Rigoletto — We have a hunch you’ll like this one!

La Boheme — Based on Rent!

The Marriage of Figaro — Features a chick dressed as a man!

Giulio Cesare — A bunch of dudes singing like chicks!

Cosi fan tutte — Can you say Swingers?!

Porgy and Bess — From the composer of the United Airlines commercial!

Carmen — Smokes cigarettes and kills men, but you can dance to it!

La Traviata — Consumption never sounded so good!

Salome — Like David Lynch on steroids!

The Breasts of Tiresias — An entire opera about boobs!

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