The artistic purpose of this little introduction to our weekly celebrity slideshow is twofold: to fill up space and to get you, dear reader, to click on the slideshow.
The first purpose (filling up space) is really quite simple to accomplish. You type stuff. Longer words are better (because they fill more space), which is to say that they are superior (in filling more space) than shorter words (which are shorter, and fill a smaller space when compared to the longer words).
Yammering helps. Just about any subject will do. Like, for instance, the Blake Griffin dunk. Wow, did you see that? Man! If you haven’t seen it you should really look it up on YouTube. Gee whiz! How does he do that? Come on! He posterized that dude! The dude he posterized must have been thinking, “What the … ?”
But there is also an aesthetic element to filling up space, if we may use that word (“aesthetic,” we mean). Imagine, if you will, a blank spot where these words are right now. Imagine this entire page without words. It wouldn’t look very good, would it?
So, we type stuff.
The second purpose, however, is a little trickier. Getting readers to click on the slideshow (where the rubber really hits the road) is a subtle craft. You must not give anything away about the upcoming slideshow, keeping the reader curious. No spoilers in the introduction is Rule No. 1. At the same time, you must imply that the upcoming slideshow is really worth the reader’s while, that’s it’s a great way to spend the next few minutes of his life even if he’ll never get them back.
As we say, it’s a subtle craft. We may not be up to it. The greatest artists of all time wrestled with this imperative. Perhaps Johann Sebastian Bach handled it best. He composed these things called fugues, and they were really something else. If the 18th century could be said to rock in any way, Bach’s fugues were rock central. But he had a problem. “How can I get people to listen to my fugues?” Bach asked himself, especially when they have so many other fun things to distract them, like shoveling horse manure and plucking the chicken for dinner.
Bach came up with this solution: He wrote preludes to the fugues. These preludes “teased” the fugue, got listeners wondering what was next, put them in the frame of mind, almost like magic, to listen to a fugue. You could say that these preludes almost made the listeners hunger for a fugue. And that’s just when Bach would spring a really rockin’ slideshow on them.
OK, we typed enough.